People Who Aren't Funny, But Think They Are...
Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 3:51 amI wrote this somewhere else, but I felt the urge to share it with all of you. I have no idea why.
I was struck today by what seems to pass as "funny" interactions between regular people. A person makes a single "bawdy" double-entendre, and everybody's just bustin' up at the water cooler. You go to a bar, the song "Mony Mony" plays, and there's just gotta be a group of high-fivin' white guys shouting out, "Get Laid! Get F-ed" as the song plays, as if people haven't been doing that since 1982. Do these knuckle-draggers think that they are being humorous in the slightest? How the hell do they get the idea that they're being even remotely amusing? These are the kind of people that "Woo-hoo" into a TV camera as it pans over the crowd. Why? So they can say later to their secretly closeted group of homophobic drinkin' buddies, "yo. I was on TV, dude." Eccch. Just go home and listen to the first Rage Against the Machine album yet again while you watch ESPN 2, moron.
First are those people who ACTUALLY say, "well, I like to have a good laugh. Ha ha." No. No, you don't. Let's hope that you were sterilized before you passed those no-sense-of-humor genes along, and you can get right back to wryly chuckling at Regis Philbin's witticisms and completing your Thomas Kinkade Collector's Plate set.
You go to a party, and there's probably somebody there who imagines themselves to be very funny, but is one of those individuals who has none of the real gifts of comedy, like timing and delivery and so on. They even might start laughing uproariously at THEIR OWN JOKE. Got some news for you, sunshine, there are few things worse to ruin a joke than laughing louder at the joke you're telling than anybody else who is listening politely as you sputter and guffaw through the setup and then step all over the punchline with your inane giggling. And as for joke setup, KEEP IT SIMPLE. If the travelling salesman goes to some farmhouses to get laid, don't have him go to more than three. If the setup is that the woman's a millionaire, say something like, "Okay. There was this rich heiress, right, and she had millions." There's always some sap that'll set up the same joke like this: "There was this really rich woman. She lived in a fabulous house, and she had over twenty servants who waited on her hand and foot, and she owned a beautiful Rolls Royce, and a 75-foot yacht..." Thanks, there, Brothers Grimm. What are you doing, you long-winded poltroon? Pitching a show idea to Lifetime, for God's sake?
The other ones are the ones who forget the punchline, or keep setting up the joke wrong, and keep going, "there was a man, a dog, and a cat...no wait, um...it was a woman, and a monkey, and a cat...no, it WAS a man, a dog, and a cat...anyway..." I can assure you, Mr. or Ms. Wordsmith, NO ONE wants to hear your little joke any more. They'll just look at you politely, with a slight upturn to their lips, wait for your noise to stop, and chuckle when you stop talking. "Wait!" You say. "I wasn't finished." Yes, you are. Stop now, and keep a modicum of dignity. Never, ever, start to tell a joke unless you have it completely memorized. Like the words are suddenly going to appear in your head as you tell the joke? Please.
By far the worst example of bad humor are those that fancy themselves raconteurs. Their little stories take too long, have no point, or are poorly told. If you are going to use up ten minutes of my limited lifespan with a funny story, it had darn well better be funny, and told so that people with no frame of reference to the story can be put right there into the action, and enjoy it.
And what do these would-be Toastmaster Generals do when their pointless, unfunny, overlong little slice of life falls flat on its face? They weasel out with that most hated of phrases: "Well, I guess you had to be there." Just a little word of advice. Don't you DARE treat anybody like they're stupid because they didn't find your insipid little story amusing. Try this--if a person had to be there to appreciate the story, then DON'T TELL THE STORY!!!
Someone might say to me, "Oooh--you're being really harsh, Jim. I'm offended. Who are YOU to pass judgement like this?" Trust me, stupid, everybody thinks this, every time you rack that empty noggin of yours for yet another dollop of verbal Thorazine to bore the crap out of us. I'm just the one who said it.
From now on, everybody should just bring a little pocket flashlight with them to a party, and just shine it in the face of anybody who's boring the crap out of you, like when an act has had its five minutes at open mic night.
Yeah, yeah. I know. You're givin' ME the light. I suck.
I was struck today by what seems to pass as "funny" interactions between regular people. A person makes a single "bawdy" double-entendre, and everybody's just bustin' up at the water cooler. You go to a bar, the song "Mony Mony" plays, and there's just gotta be a group of high-fivin' white guys shouting out, "Get Laid! Get F-ed" as the song plays, as if people haven't been doing that since 1982. Do these knuckle-draggers think that they are being humorous in the slightest? How the hell do they get the idea that they're being even remotely amusing? These are the kind of people that "Woo-hoo" into a TV camera as it pans over the crowd. Why? So they can say later to their secretly closeted group of homophobic drinkin' buddies, "yo. I was on TV, dude." Eccch. Just go home and listen to the first Rage Against the Machine album yet again while you watch ESPN 2, moron.
First are those people who ACTUALLY say, "well, I like to have a good laugh. Ha ha." No. No, you don't. Let's hope that you were sterilized before you passed those no-sense-of-humor genes along, and you can get right back to wryly chuckling at Regis Philbin's witticisms and completing your Thomas Kinkade Collector's Plate set.
You go to a party, and there's probably somebody there who imagines themselves to be very funny, but is one of those individuals who has none of the real gifts of comedy, like timing and delivery and so on. They even might start laughing uproariously at THEIR OWN JOKE. Got some news for you, sunshine, there are few things worse to ruin a joke than laughing louder at the joke you're telling than anybody else who is listening politely as you sputter and guffaw through the setup and then step all over the punchline with your inane giggling. And as for joke setup, KEEP IT SIMPLE. If the travelling salesman goes to some farmhouses to get laid, don't have him go to more than three. If the setup is that the woman's a millionaire, say something like, "Okay. There was this rich heiress, right, and she had millions." There's always some sap that'll set up the same joke like this: "There was this really rich woman. She lived in a fabulous house, and she had over twenty servants who waited on her hand and foot, and she owned a beautiful Rolls Royce, and a 75-foot yacht..." Thanks, there, Brothers Grimm. What are you doing, you long-winded poltroon? Pitching a show idea to Lifetime, for God's sake?
The other ones are the ones who forget the punchline, or keep setting up the joke wrong, and keep going, "there was a man, a dog, and a cat...no wait, um...it was a woman, and a monkey, and a cat...no, it WAS a man, a dog, and a cat...anyway..." I can assure you, Mr. or Ms. Wordsmith, NO ONE wants to hear your little joke any more. They'll just look at you politely, with a slight upturn to their lips, wait for your noise to stop, and chuckle when you stop talking. "Wait!" You say. "I wasn't finished." Yes, you are. Stop now, and keep a modicum of dignity. Never, ever, start to tell a joke unless you have it completely memorized. Like the words are suddenly going to appear in your head as you tell the joke? Please.
By far the worst example of bad humor are those that fancy themselves raconteurs. Their little stories take too long, have no point, or are poorly told. If you are going to use up ten minutes of my limited lifespan with a funny story, it had darn well better be funny, and told so that people with no frame of reference to the story can be put right there into the action, and enjoy it.
And what do these would-be Toastmaster Generals do when their pointless, unfunny, overlong little slice of life falls flat on its face? They weasel out with that most hated of phrases: "Well, I guess you had to be there." Just a little word of advice. Don't you DARE treat anybody like they're stupid because they didn't find your insipid little story amusing. Try this--if a person had to be there to appreciate the story, then DON'T TELL THE STORY!!!
Someone might say to me, "Oooh--you're being really harsh, Jim. I'm offended. Who are YOU to pass judgement like this?" Trust me, stupid, everybody thinks this, every time you rack that empty noggin of yours for yet another dollop of verbal Thorazine to bore the crap out of us. I'm just the one who said it.
From now on, everybody should just bring a little pocket flashlight with them to a party, and just shine it in the face of anybody who's boring the crap out of you, like when an act has had its five minutes at open mic night.
Yeah, yeah. I know. You're givin' ME the light. I suck.